Self-Reflection Is Not Selfish – It’s Crucial!

“All you ever think about is yourself!” No one wants to hear that, but there is a big difference between being self-absorbed and being self-aware. Sometimes, the two can actually lead to opposite behaviors and outcomes. Think about any skill you have worked to develop. For example, I am a beginner golfer. Every time I hit the ball, I consider what I did right, and what I need to improve. I’m constantly trying to understand the “why.” Why did that drive go left when I was trying to hit it straight? Why did my putt miss the hole? And occasionally, (the times that keep me coming back) I ask myself how I managed to hit the ball well. After the why, I consider what I need to do to correct an issue or repeat a good hit. And then I practice and consider the “whys” again. We don’t generally think of that as self-reflection, but it absolutely is. And I don’t think most people would call you selfish for trying to improve your golf game.

To be a great leader, we know that empathy, emotional intelligence, communication, and adaptability are all necessary skills – skills to be developed and improved. That’s why we call them “Success Skills.” So, why wouldn’t we approach that type of skill development similarly to developing golf or technical skills?

According to James R. Bailey and Scheherazade Rehman at Harvard Business Review, the practice of self-reflection is about learning, looking back (without bias or regret) to contemplate your behavior and its consequences. Think about what transpired, what worked, what didn’t, what you can change, and what you can’t. It’s not easy, but if we’re not honest with ourselves, and truly seek to understand and improve, we’re stuck. That’s not just for sports or work – that includes all aspects of our lives. By understanding our motives, behaviors, and skills, we can live more intentionally. We can make better decisions, and hopefully avoid making the same mistakes repeatedly. We can establish healthy boundaries, open communication, and be better friends, partners, leaders, parents – human beings.

Here are a few tips to get started:

1. Don’t beat yourself up. We all make mistakes, and we all fall short sometimes. Self-reflection shouldn’t make you anxious or depressed.

2. Start with gratitude. Consider what you are thankful for. When you start this process in a positive way, you improve your outlook and willingness to improve.

3. Consider a formal self-assessment. Clifton Strengths, DiSC, Predictive Index, and others can often give you insight you might not see on your own. They can give you a baseline to better understand your behaviors and why you do the things you do.

4. Set goals. Understand what you want to know about yourself. Do you want to improve your mental health? Be a better leader? A better parent? Do you just want to be happier, more content? There’s no wrong answer, and your goals will help determine the “why?” and the “what do I do now?”

5. Keep it simple. This process may seem daunting, but it really just takes as little as five minutes each day to reflect back on the previous day. What worked (moved you toward your goal)? What didn’t? Why did you act/react/behave the way you did (for better or worse)? What will you do better or continue to move toward your goal?

Self-reflection is a great tool to improve all aspects of your life. Give it a try. You may be surprised by what you’re capable of.